I'm mildly obsessed with Chuck Norris quotes. Joel enjoys them, too.

CHUCK NORRIS...

and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed as that level of Awesomeness cannot be contained in one building.

can gargle peanut butter.

CAN touch MC Hammer.

doesn't believe in Germany.

doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

finished singing the song that never ends.

destroyed the periodic table, because he only recongizes the element of surprise.

is the only man ever to defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

can kill two stones with one bird.

is currently suing NBC, claiming that Law and Order are trademarked names for his right and left legs.

invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

has cowboy boots made from real cowboys.

sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

can't love. He can only not kill.

CAN believe it's not butter.

beat the sun in a staring contest.

ordered a Whopper at McDonald's and he got one.

can blow bubbles with beef jerkey.

knows the last digit of pi.

has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger by yelling "Bang!"

doesn't own an oven or a microwave. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

can speak Braille.

can hit you so hard that it can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendents will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What the heck was that?!"

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If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Light tries to beat the speed of Chuck Norris.

Tornados do not exist. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You'll score over 8000.

A Klondike bar would do anything for Chuck Norris.

What goes through the minds of Chuck Norris's victims before they die? His shoe.